On Deadbeat Dads

Have you ever had the pleasure of listening to the story of an absentee father? You know the one. His ex is living high on the hog off the child support he pays. Or, he can't afford to pay child support because he needs to pay his bills -- for his new car, his expensive clothes, his legal (and often illegal) substances, his cool digs, football tickets and entertainment. Makes you want to cry. He can't tell you his kid's birthday or grades, or even grade for that matter. But he probably remembers the kid's name. He has no clue how much it costs to clothe, feed, school and care for a child but he's sure the ex has plenty. Yes, it makes you want to cry. But not for him. Try as I might, I've been unable to come up with a better name for a Deadbeat Dad than Deadbeat Dad, unless it's Deadbeat Sperm Donor.

An acquaintance told me that her ex called her yesterday. He left before their daughter's 1st birthday and squelched on child support. Exasperated, my friend turned everything over to the state's attorney to collect what he could when her daughter turned 14. That was 14 years ago. The ex lives comfortably in another state but doesn't work because he doesn't want to pay child support. His second wife supports him. They must have goofed up this year and filed a joint tax return because the authorities snapped up that refund check and sent it to my friend. Hence the phone call.

He explained to her that it was a mistake and that she should just deposit it and write him a check for the amount. His theory? The girl is grown so he doesn't owe it. Of course, my friend is no fool. She is giving every penny to her daughter.

My grandchildren have a Deadbeat Sperm Donor too. In the past 11 years, he has paid -- I'm going to be very generous here -- $5,000 in support for his 11-year-old daughter and 10-year-old son. (A couple of checks came so he could get out of jail, and one came because he also goofed up once and didn't work under the table so his tax refund got intercepted too.)

The sperm donor's girlfriend is a dental hygienist. He works under the table for a house-painting company his brother owns and for tree cutting companies so as not to have a record of income. However, they rent a fabulous house, wear expensive clothes and drive the best of cars. The last my grandchildren saw of him, he was driving an Eddie Bauer Ford Expedition with all the whistles and bells. He took them to Burger King for lunch. And since he was upgrading his gaming system, he gave my grandson his out-of-date one. When my daughter asked for child support, he told her he had something she wanted and she had something he wanted (sex) and they should get together. In effect, his involvement in their lives has been the donation of sperm.

The State of Florida is no help. When my daughter called child support enforcement to give them her new address in case a check magically appeared, she offered to give them the Sperm Donor's new address. "Oh, we have to get that directly from the individual," the state employee, a male, said.

Standing beside her, I howled and said into the phone, "Let me get this straight. We have his address and can give it to you, but you have to wait for him to call you and say, 'Gee, I'm $30,000 in arrears for child support. I know you'd want my new address so you can have me arrested.' That makes perfect sense."

On the other hand, my nephew not only pays child support, but he travels out of town to pick up his daughter and spend time with her twice a month. Now there's a real dad for you. Makes me proud. (By the way, his daughter is brilliant and beautiful!)

It really was easier when people got married before they had babies and then stayed married for the sake of the children. (I'm not talking about physically and/or psychologically abusive situations.) My folks didn't always have a the greatest of relationships but they loved each other "in sickness and in health, until death." It doesn't always work that way -- I speak from experience (for the record, my ex always paid child support). But that is the ideal.

Both my friend and I are blessed enough to be in second marriages to the men we were meant to be with from the beginning. Men who love all the children in the household as their own. Who don't complain about the money. Real men. Men who make Deadbeat Sperm Donors look like the low-lifes they are.