The Florida Legislature: Serious Business

Now, I really don't have any political sense. Saying yes for yes and no for no bodes well for getting through life -- and the few times I've written elected officials and received a response, I've been left to wonder just whose letter they read. Virginia Woolf would say there was "no there, there."

However, in some cases, it's good to use a gentler word in an explanation. In my potty training days, my mother would sit me down and urge me to do my "business." She used the euphemism throughout her life to describe the serious work involved in ridding the body of waste. Less than a month into the current session, two Florida legislators are forcing the elected body to focus on serious business.

I'm not talking about public issues that cause the citizenry great angst, such as increasing gang populations, high crime, education woes, Florida's aging population, foreclosure rates, illegal immigrants, or the uninsured. No. I'm talking about, well, what my mom would have called "business."

State Sen. Al Lawson, a Tallahassee Democrat, hopes to tax each roll of tissue paper sold in Florida by 2 cents. That would add an estimated $30 million to state coffers. This proposal has taken a backseat to one by State Sen. Victor Crist (no relation to Florida's governor, Charlie Crist). The Tampa Republican has introduced legislation (SB-836) to require Florida restaurants to have "enough" toilet paper in their restrooms. The bill also would require state restaurant inspectors to check the cleanliness of restaurants' restrooms.

Both propositions raise questions. In our household, we prefer double size rolls, so does that mean our TP will be taxed at 4 cents? Is the tax (2 cents on 50-cent roll of TP is 4 percent) in addition to our 7 percent sales tax (which the Legislature may increase in the wake of the cut in property taxes supported by the governor -- no surprise here, folks!)? And when it comes to "enough" toilet paper, just how much is enough? Enough for one wipe per patron? Two? Three?

What will happen next? Will citizens resort to substituting Kleenex tissues or paper towels to avoid the tax increase on TP? Can they tolerate the increase in restaurant prices to cover costs of new TP tax and staff to police the quantity of available TP in the stalls? (Now, that's what I want on my resume: Toilet paper monitor.) Will it force the Legislature to pass future laws regulating the number of times a citizen can relieve himself/herself? Or laws regulating the quality of TP -- no corn cob roughness, just soft, cloud-like TP?

Sad to say this "business" issue is in the national news, and Floridians find it embarrassing to know that once again we're being depicted as goobers. This can't have caught Sen. Victor Crist by surprise since he owns an advertising agency and is, presumably, well acquainted in "sexy" issues that capture attention.

I can't be the only Floridian who thinks a legislative body focused on toilet paper is full of "serious business." Come election time, it's time for us to give them the "business."